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Joy to the Fishes... |
by Rachel Monte
Not only do I have this story to make me cringe every time I recall it, but to make matters worse, I have another just like it. What the hell is with me and purses covered with zippers?
***
I went on Madeline's school field trip to the Monterey Bay aquarium. I drove my own car so I could bring Amanda. The teacher had selected a group of Madeline's closest friends for me to chaperone and it was shaping up to be a great day: Maddy was thrilled at the prospect of spending five hours in such a cool place with her best buddies and big sister.
Amanda and I arrived at the aquarium and met the three classes of fifth graders who rode the charter bus from the elementary school. We were getting signed in and accounted for so we could start our day when a member of the aquarium staff informed us we'd have to either leave our bags in the outdoor lockers or have them inspected as we came in. I usually have my microscopic purse that can only hold a car key, a driver’s license, a credit card and lipstick—however I was smart that day and dragged my ol' mommy-purse off the top shelf in the back of my closet. My girls are past the age when I have to bring a purse full of handi-wipes and crayons and extra clothes on me at all times. I still have my favorite old purse, however, and this morning I filled it with a couple small water bottles, granola bars, sanitizing hand gel, and a few other random things we might need for the day. I wanted to keep all these items on me while we walked around the aquarium, so I opted to hold on to my purse instead of checking it into a locker.
I had forgotten that it had a great little hidden middle zipper that opens up a big area in the middle of the purse. And I had forgotten that I had used this middle pocket to hide a birthday gift I had picked up a few months earlier for my best friend who lives in Iowa. Her birthday was later that month—and what did I get for my "recently divorced and now dating a very attractive much younger man" friend? (We'll call her E—.) Why, a silicone cock ring with a—never mind. It's just a sex toy that looks very bumpy and interesting, along with some other things from the adult store. Won't that be a hoot when E— opens it? Boy howdy, will she be laughing.
I wasn't laughing when the lady at the aquarium unzipped the middle pocket of my purse and pulled out the black plastic bag. She asked me, "May I look in here?"
"Sure," I said with a big dopey grin on my face, completely forgetting what it was and curious to find out myself.
She opened the bag and looked in and all of a sudden I remembered. I must have turned the darkest red ever. I said, very smoothly, "Oh, um... that's for... not me... not today." I felt borderline criminal holding the hands of two ten-year-old girls while this lady continued staring into the black bag. She turned to the employee standing behind her, held the bag out to him and asked,
"This is okay to bring in, right? I mean, it's like, okay, right?" The man burst out laughing.
"Yeah, you can bring that in here. No problem. And enjoy yourself today, ma'am."
The woman put the bag back in my purse and let me walk through, surrounded by five little girls asking me, "What was in the bag, Mrs. Monte?"
I told them it was maxi pads.
***
About three years before, when I was living in Los Angeles, I went to a birthday party. It was a big group of my friends, including E—. The party was on a boat with a live reggae band that played as we sailed the Long Beach coast. The birthday girl handed out party bags as we boarded; in the bags were a few goofy things, including mini bottles of liquor. This was back in my days of carrying a mommy-purse. The kids weren't with me, but big purses were all I owned at the time. That night I had a backpack style purse that had a zipper going up the entire back of the bag, straight up the middle. I have no idea when this type of entrance to the purse would come in handy, but the bag was cute and I thought no harm in a goofy extra zipper. I thought wrong.
That night all my cute-purse carrying friends asked me to carry their party favor bags. Of course I said yes.
The next day I held my first Girl Scout "meet your new leaders" meeting. I had 22 moms over to meet my co-leader E— and me. Most of the moms knew us both, but there were about five who didn't. We had a carefully planned meeting about what we had scheduled for the year, how E— and I would handle such a big troop, the ceremonies we would be holding, the values we wanted to focus on, the lessons we wanted to teach. It was a great meeting. Of course, all the moms decided to sign up their daughters. I passed out the paperwork.
"Rachel, do you have a pen?"
"Sure, look in my purse, I always have a bunch. If not, then just use a crayon—I know I have tons of those in there." We all had a good mom-chuckle over that one.
E— went to my purse hanging on the arm of a chair and pulled the back zipper all the way down, spilling the entire contents of my purse onto the floor: crayons, pens, a notepad, my wallet, three disposable cameras—and twelve mini bottles of alcohol. The bottles hit the hardwood floor and went rolling off in every direction. Twenty-two predominantly teetotaler, church-going, military officer's wives scrambled around helping collect all the whiskey and rum and vodka and returned them to me. "Thanks," I said. "Thank you, Beverly... Doris.... Actually, only one is mine. No, just put it anywhere—that's fine, thank you. They're really not all mine, you know."
Of course, E— immediately said, "Oh, great Rach. You already got the drinks for the Investiture Ceremony. We need to get the girls started on their Cocktail Mixing Badge right away."
I can't believe all those women still trusted us with their children. But then again, it's not like a silicone cock ring with a vibrating clit stimulator fell out of my bag or anything. No, I save those for field trips.
Rachel Monte lives in the central valley, California. She's currently working on her MA in communication and plans to teach argumentation and debate. She hones her skills daily with her two teenage daughters. She enjoys running, cooking, and owning too many dogs.
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