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Things You Can Say If Employed As A Nanny That You Can't Say In Other Areas of Employment |
by Jennifer Kuhn
Let's get something straight. I didn't become a nanny because I'm head-over-heels in love with wiping butts or getting puked on, even though wiping butts and getting puked on are a few undiscussed aspects of the profession. Is that disgusting or what? The truth is, I became a nanny because I was tired of selling my soul to the Man only to see my tediously-spent hours resurrect themselves as a few puny pennies at the end of the week. Coming from someone who's worked at least thirty (totally random) jobs in the seven years that it's been legal for me to work, I can safely say I know that most companies can replace you easily, and they know it. Nannyhood was immediately appealing to me because a) nannies don't get treated like a number, they're treated like a family member, b) nannies earn more money than bank tellers and waitresses, c) everybody knows you don't get a job with a B.A. in English, d) it's way fun to influence and fashion a young life.
I know what you're thinking: But you have a college degree, and you're American! Well, yes, but just because the profession seems to be dominated by uneducated immigrant women, it doesn't mean that someone like me wouldn't find pleasure in spending time with a bunch of kideroonies. Or perhaps you're thinking, but you could get a "real" job! Why not become a teacher? But that's precisely what I don't want. So I took my first live-in position in the summer of '07 on the Jersey Shore to escape the poor treatment of hourly work and the threat of having to choose a solid career. The decision changed my life forever.
Had I never known the feel of my other occupational options, it might have never struck me how funny it is to be a nanny. Whereas in other areas of employment you'd be lucky if your best perk was assigned parking, the perks of being a nanny are less conventional: the on-the-job overheards and being able to say things that you wouldn't be able to get away with saying in any office setting ever are great.
Let me convince you. Imagine saying any of these to your boss: "You miss your mommy, don't you, sweetheart?" or "Let's go get into the bath tub." You'd probably be fired instantly. These are all lines I've really used on my charges, and guess what? Not a single repercussion.
The following lines would be considered to be in poor taste if issued to colleagues or clients. "We don't poop outside," I had to say to Long Island Alex (3), who was going through potty training and had a thing for the bushes. I don't think I'll ever get why he did it, but it sure was funny. Imagine having to say that to the guy in the cubicle next to you. "Sorry, Bob, but we really need you to stop pooping outside." Oh, and "Put your underwear on." This line was issued to my pal Westley (6) in Maryland who needed a little reminder of how to get dressed after his bath. You don't want someone to hear you saying that one from under the crack in the door if you're a dentist. No sir.
Nannies get to threaten their charges with time-outs all day, and it's really effective against toddlers and young children. But suppose for an instant that you hear your frustrated boss shouting from across the hall, "That's it, everyone! If you don't stop arguing, you're all getting five minutes in time out!" Yeah right. Even better is when the child is disagreeable beyond control—usually if you threaten to call his or her mother, they shape right up. "Listen, you wise-guys in Accounts Payable, don't make me have to call your mothers!" Uhh... not so much. But if the mother thing should fail, surely it couldn't hurt to try giving the offended until the count of three to correct themselves, right?
Overseeing a child's personal hygiene routine is a daily part of a nanny's job. Westley wasn't a fan of brushing his teeth, so I devised a tactic to make sure he followed this command. If he told me he had brushed his teeth, I would know he was lying if the bristles on his SpongeBob toothbrush were dry. So, say there's a gal you work with who's quite the stinker. Do any of her co-workers have the right to walk up to her demanding "Did you really brush your teeth this morning, or are you lying to me?" I'd probably die laughing. It also might be a tad embarrassing, at least for someone, if your boss asked you what you were planning to wear to bed that night, or whose Pokemon cards he'd found in the parking lot. Oh, we nannies are surely very lucky!
Nobody hates root beer as much as Jennifer Kuhn does, and nobody makes quite as many dorky jokes, either. Miss Kuhn holds a B.A. in English from Eastern Connecticut State University. Her work has appeared in such magazines as "Half Drunk Muse", "Ambitions" (now defunct), and "Farmhouse Magazine"; and many of her articles, opinion pieces, and poems have appeared in "The Campus Lantern," ECSU's student-run newspaper, where she served as Copy Editor for two years. Kuhn is a freelance writer and proofreader in her spare time. She presently resides just outside of Washington, D.C. with her fiance, and they hope to get a puppy soon.
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